Friday, May 12, 2006

False Alarms, Puke & Dirt

I went off my rocker last night and this morning. I can say I’m consistent in forgetting the lesson of “shit happens” and in making no progress towards being calm, cool and collective when things upset my little reality. Boy, one day- probably not anytime soon, I might just get it. I know this would please my wife immensely (I love you!)

12:30am: "FIRE!!!!" All five smoke detectors go off in the house jolting me and my son from a sound sleep. Every nerve in my body is electrified- I could light up New York City with the electricity shooting through my body. Where am I? What is happening? “The House is on Fire!” No- the house isn't on fire. The alarms are all linked together and have been doing this every so often because............ they are PIECES OF CRAP!!!


1:45am: The smell of cat shit drifts from the litterbox in the bathroom smelling like, well- cat shit! Get up, scoop-scoop and toss into the garage…spray Lysol. MMMmmmm, cat shit & Lysol…Springtime Bouquet cat turds…..

2:30am: The alarms go off again! DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT! Worthless pieces of shit!


3:00am: Alarms Again! Fuck! This time I grab “How The South Lost The Civil War” and read until 3:30 (I NEED TO BE SLEEPING!!!)


4:15am:Chucka-chucka-chucka-chucka-chucka- hurl!” Our cat, Weezer, pukes beside the bed…pukes again by the TV, pukes again in the hallway. I let it be and seethe for 10-15 minutes until I fall back asleep.

Too tired to Om-

6:30am: What a night!?!?! My God! I walk into the living room and see that our cat, Lovey, has been in the plants again. Dirt, moss, and foliage is scattered indiscriminately in the living room, dining room, kitchen, furniture….lots of dirt, moss and foliage. Lovey is curled up in the rocker asleep. Nice job.

What is one to do but go off! So, I go off! And it feeeels sooooo gooood! I go off on my son- I call my wife (who’s away babysitting her bosses kids while they are off on their SECOND CRUISE IN A MONTH!) and go off on her. Then suddenly, there’s nobody left to go off on- so I go take a shower.

So, how was your night and morning?


Blogger xianchick said...

tee hee.

perhaps misery really does love company, because that's the best thing i've read all week. sorry. :(

i know, where the hell is the inner calm when shit like that happens.

why is it that i can be super happy and spiritual, but only when i'm laying in bed or something stupid like that?

when i get really, super-duper pissed, i yodel.

you should try it.

peace out dawg.

10:12 AM  
Blogger xianchick said...

check out , it rules.

10:12 AM  
Blogger anonymous julie said...

That provided me with some badly needed laughter... THANK YOU.

10:51 PM  
Blogger Jon said...

Better than yours, apparently!

Hang in there, Tommy. You're sense of humor will help you get through.

1:14 AM  
Blogger Ethan said...

Wow, damn, that made me laugh. Used to have a cat like that. Perfect description of the puking. Sorry you had to have such a crappy night. But I'm still laughing.

10:29 AM  
Blogger gratefulbear said...

I guess I'm lucky; my cat usually waits at least 24 hours between vomits. He did wake me up in the middle of the night, though, to let me know his bowl was empty.

8:34 PM  
Blogger Rick said...

Thanks for sharing. I have read several of your posts here today and am glad to hear that I am not alone in my misery. :) The bad neck, the waking-up at all hours, and being a little cranky with my beautiful wife.

BTW, for a bout a year, I had deep-tissue massage weekly.

I've been practicing yoga and it has truly helped my chronic condition in my neck.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Trev Diesel said...

So.... you're a human being! :)

Thanks for keeping things (at least in retrospect) in a state of humor and grace. Hope your day brightens up a bit...!

Love on that family of yours for us.

9:27 AM  
Blogger Buford said...

Crappy Fire Alarms through-out new house……..$350.00

Gallon Jug of useless cat litter……………………$8.00

Carpet cleaner to clean up cat puke………………. $12.00

New house plant to replace the one cat destroyed…$20.00

Going off the family and loving it…………...........Priceless
I completely understand. And boy, howdy… that was funny!!!!! Great post!!!!
Even the second time I read it, I laughed my ass off.

“Chucka-chucka-chucka-chucka-chucka- hurl!” That is the best written description of a cat throwing up I have ever read.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Meredith said...

Oh my! So many opportunities to awaken in such a short interval. Each one, a nudge, a shake, the clear sound of your name, "Tommy, Wake up!"

11:38 AM  

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