Stumbling

“The World is Illusory;
Brahman alone is real;
Brahman is the world.”
Sri Ramana Maharshi


In my stumbling towards ecstasy I often stop in the midst of my confused thinking and take a few deep breaths, close my eyes and remember I am in the same world, occupying the same space as a mystical mountain creek bordered with sweet smelling laurel blooms in the North Carolina Mountains.

I go to Laurel Creek often in meditation and sit in the middle of the running stream on a gigantic boulder and let the mantra sound of the white- water along with the purifying scent of the clean mountain air wash through me.

My plans were to spend Easter weekend with my family near Laurel Creek, but as often happens with the best of plans it didn’t materialize and we stayed in the Low country.

My wife and I have lived in the upstate of South Carolina, the Low country, back upstate, and have been here, near Hilton Head Island and the marshy bluff by the May River for almost 10 years now. When we first moved to the island in 93 we fell in love with the sand and ocean, the tides and gentle lee breezes. We didn’t stay long and with the birth of our son came back to the upstate a few years later. There, in the tall pine woods and rolling mossy hills of the Piedmont I would often meditate on the vastness of the ocean, imagining the spray of salty air and what life would be like had we stayed.

Before that, in my late teens and early 20’s it was California that held my thoughts and dreams. I was sure Southern California was where I was meant to be. My music was fresh and my thoughts were of “one day.” I felt as if I would burst if I didn't make my way out to California. I eventually found myself in Hollywood, but the experience and thrill was short lived. Maybe San Francisco was where I was supposed to be.

Now, on the verge of turning 40 years old, I’m just beginning to understand how the years, places, faces, loves, and experiences have shaped me into who I am. I am fortunate my time here sofar has led me to a conviction that all things are always in divine order. I trust that with time to come I will learn even more about this me; this beginner destined to always have his head in the clouds, sometimes dreaming there is some place more perfect that here, now.

I often chuckle now at that part of me that still doesn’t get it, that still feels the need to look someplace other than inside for stillness and comfort. It’s OK thought- perhaps I’ll always need to nurture the little voice telling me… “It’s out there, somewhere.” I don’t mind loving the scared, little me that calls out for reassurance. I believe we must learn to love every part of our being, especially those parts that make us uncomfortable with questions and nagging little idiosyncrasies. These questions and quirks are our master teacher. Perhaps it’s a little like dreaming of the mountains when at the beach, or dreaming of California when we’re 2,300 miles away- our dreaming we aren’t complete, as we are, here and now.

“The process of growing in wisdom, of becoming more transparent to the soul is going on with us and all around us. This is not usually a graceful or a deliberate process. We stumble forward, often in the dark, using everything to become more of who we are. It is an effort worthy of our patience, our support, our compassion, and our attention.”
Rachel Naomi Remen, from “Becoming a Blessing”