Around the Sun Again

"Everybody knows it sucks to grow up and everybody does,
It's so weird to be back here, let me tell you what.
The years go on and we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it."

I can honestly say I'm a fortunate soul who doesn't mind growing older. I'm fairly sure much of this "not minding" is the middle aged body and mind-me, who knows nothing of inhabiting an old and broken body. I'm sure there will come a day when my body fails me and I'll have my gripes and days when it will 'suck', but right now my boat is in the water where it is and I'll row it as best I can.

The months of watching my mother whither from cancer and then pass brought forth that part of me I believed in but had never had cause to practice. Namely the belief we are not our body; that we are spiritual beings experiencing a divinely human form. This human form doesn't define who we are.

I hope it may have given my mother some comfort, some peace throughout her struggle and into her final days when I would hold her hand and look into her eyes and say with all the courage I could muster that our bodies cannot define us. I know it brought peace to me to speak words I believed in, words that then sustained me in her passing and that still bring comfort.

So I don't mind growing older even though my body is changing and will continue to deteriorate and then break down beyond all hope. It's happening to everyone I love- to everyone I see... the same thing is taking place: we are dying. But, my hope doesn't rest in my body not failing me, it rests in my knowing the illusion is perfect and that in it's perfection I see through it and into another reality.

It's a privilege to be alive- at any age. "As a white candle in a holy place, so is the beauty of an aged face." Joseph Campbell

Flow

There is the Laurel Creek cutting through the NC mountainside
its very flowing has something to show me; something of infinite value
full of happiness and hope.

There is only this flowing hidden under all my ideas of water
its real purpose, the purpose it shares with all the universe
is singing "awaken"

Why Was I Born?

I looked for my true calling
I looked for my true purpose
What I am supposed to do on the planet
why was I born?
and I asked the question deep inside me
beyond logic, beyond thought, deep in the bowels
of the space where I connect to the universe
where I can be thrown into the raging storm of 'not knowing'

and the answer hit me in an immense tidal wave of understanding

"you are your own purpose
nothing more, and nothing less
a bundle of purpose and karma
all existing within itself
and the only thing holding it back
is the separation created by
words like 'I' and 'my' and 'me'"

Shekhar Kapur

Stir It Up

After some exploration I'm realizing exactly where I am in my spiritual work- I'm stirring up sludge and it isn't pretty. Guess it isn't meant to be pretty, but could be beautiful...if I could grasp the whole truth of what I'm learning and how this sludge, this density is invaluable to clarity.

Talking with a friend today about the lull I find myself in. Just talking on the experience for a few minutes raised my spirits and put some perspective on where and why I am here, right now. I'm tired of not being happy and yet not too tired to keep on doing the things, thinking the things that lead to unhappiness.

I'm going to concentrate on my being the most undisciplined, sludgiest, self-absorbed me I can be until I've thoroughly exhausted myself and I quit beating myself up for not 'doing' the things that will lead to happiness.

I'll show me- and when I'm through and finished... well, I'm not thinking about tomorrow, I'm just going to sit in the sludge for today and be here now.

I know there are lessons- right here, right now.
_______________________________________________________

Tuesday, April 7-

Just a quick note: someone asked me in an email why I was so unhappy and depressed with life. I feel I must clarify a little here on my unhappiness. It's more an unhappiness with my perception and resulting projection with the small things- that are compounded into self created nightmares.

I'm so done with being down on myself for not have the organized garage I've wanted for years, not meditating, not being able to exercise (still recovering from surgery), not being able to control my emotions when someone cuts me off in traffic, not being able to explain that underlying buzz of 'things not being quite right' when everything is basically 'all-right.'

No, I'm not in the throes of depression. My unhappiness is more a term for my 'suffering' in the Buddhist sense: something we all experience. I'm just holding up an unusually large mirror right now (which is my perception) and seeing my reflection staring back at me.

I'm actually working through this unhappiness and trusting in wiser words, trusting in a higher 'me', trusting I can't fully move further and learn these particular lessons until I'm content to simply experience it all and let it be.

It's actually all good- just a little 'hide and seek' with myself right now. Oh! Here I am!

I'm sure there will be more to add later :)

What Am I Thinking?

“If during the night you dream that someone beat you horribly, assaulted you and inflicted horrific pain upon you- when you woke in the morning… would you call the police?”

Is it within me to grow in awareness that perhaps I'm seeing the world through my past and through my expectations, and this seeing exists to nudge me to awaken, at my own unique pace, to a reality that all my pain, frustrations, and hurt as well as those I think are keeping me from realizing my bliss are MY master teachers saying, ‘aha! So you’ve noticed! What else is there that isn’t true?’

(that's one hell of a long sentence, isn't it)?

Thoughts from and about, The Course.