Monday, April 06, 2009

Stir It Up

After some exploration I'm realizing exactly where I am in my spiritual work- I'm stirring up sludge and it isn't pretty. Guess it isn't meant to be pretty, but could be beautiful...if I could grasp the whole truth of what I'm learning and how this sludge, this density is invaluable to clarity.

Talking with a friend today about the lull I find myself in. Just talking on the experience for a few minutes raised my spirits and put some perspective on where and why I am here, right now. I'm tired of not being happy and yet not too tired to keep on doing the things, thinking the things that lead to unhappiness.

I'm going to concentrate on my being the most undisciplined, sludgiest, self-absorbed me I can be until I've thoroughly exhausted myself and I quit beating myself up for not 'doing' the things that will lead to happiness.

I'll show me- and when I'm through and finished... well, I'm not thinking about tomorrow, I'm just going to sit in the sludge for today and be here now.

I know there are lessons- right here, right now.

Tuesday, April 7-

Just a quick note: someone asked me in an email why I was so unhappy and depressed with life. I feel I must clarify a little here on my unhappiness. It's more an unhappiness with my perception and resulting projection with the small things- that are compounded into self created nightmares.

I'm so done with being down on myself for not have the organized garage I've wanted for years, not meditating, not being able to exercise (still recovering from surgery), not being able to control my emotions when someone cuts me off in traffic, not being able to explain that underlying buzz of 'things not being quite right' when everything is basically 'all-right.'

No, I'm not in the throes of depression. My unhappiness is more a term for my 'suffering' in the Buddhist sense: something we all experience. I'm just holding up an unusually large mirror right now (which is my perception) and seeing my reflection staring back at me.

I'm actually working through this unhappiness and trusting in wiser words, trusting in a higher 'me', trusting I can't fully move further and learn these particular lessons until I'm content to simply experience it all and let it be.

It's actually all good- just a little 'hide and seek' with myself right now. Oh! Here I am!

I'm sure there will be more to add later :)

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